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| I am feeling extremely guilty about leaving. I have had a lot of fun the past few days with everyone, and I just feel its too soon to be packing up and shipping off!
Perhaps because it is late at night and I am oh so tired, but I just don't know what I want anymore. Frankly, I am disillusioned with my closet friend. It is throwing off my whole perspective on life. Plus that, and its as if I am entering this new stage. I am on the brink, and I am going in, but I have not made up my mind what I think of the place yet. To sum up the year, I would say numb and confusing. A year worth forgetting in a lot of ways, but one I most likely will never forget.
We shall see where life takes me. My wish is that when I come home, some problems will just have solved themselves. I hope you know Matthew how much I love you, and I hope you realize I can never not love you. I just wish you could really truly love yourself enough to do the right thing. | | |
| I got into a fight with my parents over life basically. They got kind of upset when I told them that I will love them a lot more once I move out of the house. This summer will do us some good because it will give us all a chance to cool off. Right now, I just need a life of my own. High School could not be over fast enough. | | |
| Last night was State Solo and Ensemble. I think it went well, but it was so late, I didn't bother to find out what my preformance rating was. Not to sound cocky, but I think it was a one. It was just one of those performances I felt really good about, and with all the hard work that went into it and the judge's lack of critical comments, I think its pretty safe to assume. It was also safe to assume that I would bomb sightreading which I did. That is one thing I really have to work on. I am good at the ear stuff. If you play me a melodic phrase, I can sing it back no problem. Its just when you give me a single note, and expect me to make the little black dots and lines on the page into music from there, I fall apart. So I did see more score for sightreading which (big surprise) was a two with perfect marks on everything except (you guess it) the whole sing-the-line part. But whatever, if I get a one in performance its an overall one, and as cheesy as it sounds, it REALLY is the process that matters, and now I know what I seriously have to do next year.
This morning I watched Crash in bed. I forgot how much that movie means to me. Its rare I get so emotional, especially if I have already seen the film, but I just started sobbing again. People get to me, man. Just the complexities and our hypocrisies. They aren't necessarily a bad thing. Of course, racism is horrible, but then again, if we simply ignore each other's differences, then we lose our whole cultural background. What makes us us. Our differences is the part of us that is beautiful. Our hatred of our differences is the ugly sign. The biggest issue is that the line between the two is so faint, and as the movie points out, it often time takes a real "crash" to make us realize what we love and hate about the world that we live in, and how we really treat the people around us.
I had a slight creative spark tonight. I find that when I think about past experiances, I am able to write the best poems. They are the most natural. I don't overthink them and try to put them into certain terms. They are really stories with a slight rhythm that ties it all together. So tonight, as I looked out my window, I was reminded of stargazing at Kutz, and just had to write something about it.
Here it is:
STARGAZING
Warm asphalt underneath
with the sky shooting blanks
into the night.
I can make out the luscious curve
in the dome of the earth,
proof that people were never meant to starve
"The Hope" in my head
going slowly in minor key
is this what my ancestors truly wanted for me?
I turn to my left and see you there
in your own world with perhaps a different night
covering your head.
I want to ask you what you see,
what you hear,
what you feel
But now is not the time.
It is now time just to be still. | | |
| So I decided to write in this again. But not much. If you actually want to read anything, go to my Livejournal. I will post messages when I have a new entry.
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| Tommorow premiere of Sleepy Hollow, and my OHS play debut! Wish me luck! | | |
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